FULLY DRUNK

Fear of love has dug deep into my heart. As I write this I feel a growing dread, as if my body is demanding an escape. Love is different from joy--a paradox that I have yet to grasp in its entirety--how something so wonderful and serene can transform into tears and hidden desires forever condemned to remain secrets within ourselves. Personal love, or loving myself, is what troubles me the most; and it should be the simplest thing (another tear drips) yet somehow I fell short on this journey. Every morning I give myself reminders to quieten the ghastly inner voices inside of me, still awaiting with bated breath for them to eventually abandon me in time. It's ironic how most of us carry similar trials, looking for someone else to trust into so we can unburden our hearts and lighten our bodies as well as our spirits. Being a confidant during these trying times requires having all kinds of negative emotions pouring in from each side; it sounds quite relieving even though we must pay a great price thereafter. Leaving this location and embracing my own version of love entices me greatly, but ultimately I just lack the disposition required for it. The words "whether you stay or go, you will always get hurt" echo across my mind relentlessly; that statement rocked my world deeply. Knowing this feeling is going to accompany me throughout life terrifies me, hence why change is needed urgently before more suffering occurs than necessary. Encouraged by love letters written with kind sentiments accentuated with beautiful fragrances and blossoming flowers enclosed within their temples; I hope never to see my hopes swept away by time's fickle nature again.. Craving love with every fiber of my being, determined not to have history repeat itself when searching for profound affection: bring back those old fashioned loves!