MY VERSION OF THERAPY

Desperation really clouds ones judgement that’s how I defend myself anyways we were taught love is a beautiful thing and you find it in the most unexpected area, so I decided to be exceptional and look for it where no one goes to , where the broken souls lie. My resolution for that year was to be a good Samaritan as I try hide from my starving demons so there was no considerations to what I was walking into. I wanted to smile I desired to smile , my soul was turning it had been turning it was just a matter of time before everything collapsed mentally, spiritually , physically. You don’t get it I know. I desired a short term failytale to neutralize the acidity in me. And it began a story that resulted in voluntary apnea. Naive a word I have never healed from. I blame the multiple personality that had naiveness as a sleeve. It was not fair I demand a redo in selecting my multiple personalities give me workaholic, give me numb anything else will be highly appreciated. There is something with naive that you never recover, exposed in a society where you know nothing competing with others who know the most about that a mind game, a man eat man environment. The objective is not even to survive is to hurt and cost share as much pain and hurt that you hold to step and destroy the weak. I didn’t have a way out I was soft I didn’t know to speak for myself so year you guessed correct I received and held onto everything , scary yeah okay bring it on ,happy yeah some positive aspects. I went dark, broken, dumb I was done. So hopeless where life didn’t matter at all but somehow I pushed day after day. Found peace in stars and flowers. At three am in my 18th dose of crying for the day I look up in the stars questioning the existence of everything. I was going to bounce back. I had to. It wasn’t my fault but it was too late. I wish I was taught to talk about my problem I don’t blame my upbringing but it pushed me far from the character I have wanted for myself. I wish there was a soap of spell to undo all that. I cringe every time I remember things I have done took me a while to transform regret to lessons. I remember one year where I didn’t want to think, it felt tiring for me one year I wanted to test how deep foolishness can go for me and guess what it stuck with me for the worst and best I swear I was about to propose. I had grown up knowing one side of life moral upright and all other church girl vibes I hope you get. So on this particular year life had something different for me. Expose me and make me a member or rather an example of the other side was a hell of an experience.